Author’s note: This story explains why we sometimes ask Santa for something and what we get is different to what we asked for. Hopefully it clears things up.
All the workers were in their dorm rooms asleep. There was a rhythmic pattern to the snoring which matched the way in which everyone worked during the day. If you listened you could make out harmonies, rhythm sections (plus the odd trombone joining in). It was quite sweet.
A small creature scuttled across the floor. It scaled the side of a bed and climbed onto the face of… a minion? The creature thought “this isn’t right… it should be elf shaped! But I must warn them.”
The creature reached out and pinched the face of the minion. The minion (it was Kevin) breathed in and almost sucked the creature in – but they gripped harder – and that woke the minion up.
“Excuse me” said the creature, “But I must report something sir.”
“BBBLLARGHH!” cried the Minion “TALKY THING! BEE-DO!”
Instantly Nurgle was awake and knew what had happened. Because Kevin was so much taller than the others he could not use a standard elf bed and the only compromise was to use his. But Nurgle realised that no-one had told Sergeant Bird.
“Sergeant Bird, what is it?” asked Nurgle.
Sergeant Bird looked at Kevin, now clutching the blankets like someone had just walked in on him when he was in the shower. “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
“Not that, that’s Kevin” replied Nurgle “and we can clear that up later. What do you need to tell me.”
“Oh, that we have someone unauthorised in the compound.”
Nurgle pulled on his cloak and went to go outside. But the Minions, having been trained initially by Gru, were also very keen security guards and they were immediately out the door.
Trevor was just about to pop the door of the truck when he felt a hand touch him on the shoulder. As he wasn’t expecting it he jumped a little – and instantly found himself on his back, staring at three weird creatures, one of which seemed to have a permanent soot mark on one side of his face.
“Bash!” cried Kevin and the Minions rushed forward towards Trevor. Trevor instantly curled himself up into a ball – he had not expected to be caught.
But a single voice boomed across the courtyard.
“STOP!! Or you will ALL be on the Naughty List!”
Everyone stopped still. Trevor looked up. It couldn’t be!
“Trevor McBalis” said Santa “I did wonder who it was that would make the Naughty list so many times in a row. Why are you here – it can’t just be to steal my truck?”
Trevor looked at his feet. “It’s the KRAMPUS letter” he said. I need to be able to make it right.”
Santa called out. An old man, with a beard almost as long as him, shuffled across the courtyard. This was someone who had seen many, many years go by and really, really wanted to be under his warm teddy-bear covered patterned sheets.
“Did Trevor McBalis receive a KRAMPUS letter?” asked Santa.
The old man opened his book. “Yes” he replied. “He has two children, Betsy and Stan.”
“Oh” replied Santa. “Stan wanted the Megatron 6000 and Betsy wanted the Malibu Stacy with the extra Malibu party outfits.” Santa then opened up his big book which had magically appeared and checked that he’d got the right Stan and Betsy.
The old man spoke. “KRAMPUS did its research. You know what that means.”
“Exactly!” cried Trevor, a tear appearing on his cheek, “and it was the only way that I could make it right!”
“Excuse me” said a very tired looking Shawn, “but what is going on, why is their shouting and why are the minions up? You know how grumpy they get if they don’t get enough sleep!”
The minions looked at each other and shrugged. I don’t get grumpy said Kevin. Oh you do replied the others. I do not. yes you do! Instantly they started to push and it was about to develop into a fight when Shawn stood in the middle and commanded them to go to bed. There was some grumbling, but they went. Shawn then turned back to Santa, the old man and Trevor.
Santa looked at the old man.
“I know he’s a child” said Santa “But he’s a special child and he has been working here. He needs to know.”
“I don’t like it” said the old man, “but as you insist. KRAMPUS or Kristmas Re Alignment Management for Parents Unsupportable presentS – we made the initials fit, badly – takes the wishes that children make and balance them against a whole number of factors and in a lot of cases we have to get some special information from parents. And this is a secret that we keep very, very quiet about. What then comes out is the list that goes to Santa. He knows that the children want something in particular and that KRAMPUS has changed it. So we try to get a letter to parents to tell them so that they can try to explain it to the children on Christmas Day.”
Trevor spoke. “KRAMPUS told me what the children would be getting… I just couldn’t face seeing their faces.”
Santa spoke quietly. “This is the worst part of christmas for me” he said. “I don’t like to see children unhappy on Christmas – and as parents were children once and I am very old I still see them as children. But I need KRAMPUS to help me – sometimes children will ask for things that are impractical or very expensive to keep such as Unicorns, ponies and helicopters, and KRAMPUS will use its special code to manage those presents.”
“So what do we do now?” asked Shawn. “Trevor’s obviously been naughty so…”
At that point Sergeant Bird started to spin. he started to give off a black smoke and instantly became HUGE and very, very scary. The old man looked at Sergeant Bird and stepped forward to look Trevor in the eye.
“You see that behind me?” he asked calmly. “You see those very, very sharp pointy teeth?”
Trevor gulped and nodded.
“Do you want to know how we power KRAMPUS?”
Trevor shook his head.
“Good. Go home. Stop all this. I will talk to Santa and see what we can do to adjust the list. But if I should hear, read or see you do ANYTHING bad again… well, you’ve met Sergeant Bird now. Understand? Good. Now go.”
Trevor didn’t need to be told twice. He ran, faster than he had ever run before and was quickly out of sight.
The old man, Shawn and Santa stared at the still huge Sergeant Bird.
“What?” asked Sergeant Bird. “Have I got something in my teeth?”
Shawn looked at Santa. “Will I ever know how KRAMPUS works?” he asked. “I hope not” said Santa, “because I don’t – and I don’t want to.”
Today’s advent presents:
From Lego we have Trevor. I know it’s City, but for Christmas do we really need a bad guy? It would be nice for one year to have lots of just happy, normal christmassy people. But there you go.
From the Minions we have a ladybird and I’m guessing the ladybird house. It’s a nice little character and quite fun.
Second authors note: The “bigfig” of Venom, playing Sergeant Bird is not a LEGO character – or at least this one isn’t. I bought him through EBay a while back. I thought I’d put that one in just in case.