Hello everyone! I got some feedback yesterday from Mr Nimrod. He says in his letter “Dear Mr Pant-o-mime, you say this is a pantomime – so where are the classic ‘It’s behind you?’ jokes? Yours, Mr Nimrod.”
Good. Hey, it’s Mr John Cena, WWE Superstar wrestler making his cameo appearance to help boost sales by including his picture on the poster even though he really doesn’t do anything much in the story!! What brings you here?
“Well, look Pant-o-mime, I’m really hungry because I’m about to go on tour again. Can you give me anything to eat?”
Well, if you go over there, we have a Bacon Tree!
“A Bacon tree?”
Yes, A Bacon Tree.
“Oh, Ok, thanks Mr Pant-o-mime!”
Well, it’s nice to help a friendly wrestler in distress. Now, let’s return to the story – and The Emperor Penguin and Lord Trencham are in deep discussions…
“What do you mean, it’s yours?” asked Lord Trencham. “This gold belongs to me.”
“No”, replied The Emperor Penguin, “My duck Jemima laid it earlier today. One of your people stole it from me – and then gave it to you.”
“You sound familiar, somehow” said Lord Trencham, “Have we met before?”
“Not like this” said the Emperor Penguin, “Since I was turned into this shape by the fairy godmother I have remained in the Cloud Palace so no-one could see me. Before, I went by the name of John Snow.”
“John Snow?” replied Lord Trencham. “John Snow? I had a brother called John Snow before I was called away to battle – on my return I took the lands and title and became Lord Trencham. Before that I was Marcus Snow!”
“My Brother!” cried The Emperor Penguin “We must catch up; but first – why do you seem to be pursuing these two so relentlessly; surely there are others who have worse debts to you?”
“Ah, yes” said Lord Trencham “But I quite fancy Aunt Boris, so I’ve been using any excuse to come and see her.”
Emperor looked round the corner and caught a glimpse of Aunt Boris. He turned back to Lord Trencham.
“Brother, have you had your eyes checked?” he enquired.
“No, they’ve always been blue” replied his brother. “But perhaps I have a plan that will get the boy Jack away from his aunt long enough that I can really put on the charm. I’ve spoken to the Jester about dating advice.”
“You’ve asked the Twit to woo?”
“Yes! We need to send Jack to go and find the fairy godmother who turned you into a Penguin, and then she can turn you back!”
“A plan!” called Emperor.
“A plot!” cried the rest of the stage hands.
Lord Trencham turned back to his brother. “Head back to my castle – you can’t miss it, it’s the black one with all the pointy spires. I’ll get Jack on my mission, and then join you.”
“Before I do” said Emperor. “Why have you got a shrunken head in the bag?”
“Oh, that” replied Lord Trencham “It was my Accountant. I knew I wanted to get a head in business.”
Lord Trencham Walked round the corner. Catherine was just wheeling the giant beanstalk onto the stage, when a smartly dressed business man walked on from the other direction. He was accompanied by a woodcutter.
“I’m looking for the owner of this … thing” said the business Man.
“Hang on” said Catherine. “Cue Jack!”
Jack came running out of the house.
“Is this yours?” asked the business man.
“I guess” said Jack. “I traded the cow for two magic ginger biscuits and one of the biscuits grew into this.”
“Don’t you know that a reasonable rate for a cow is two Bourbon biscuits?” said the business man.
“I’m starting to know that” replied Jack.
“Well, according to my records you don’t have planning for it, so it will have to be cut down. Chippy here will fell it.”
“Hi, I’m Chippy” said Chippy. “Would you like to see my big chopper?”
Off stage, Catherine giggled. Supressing a smile, Jack replied “no thanks, I’d rather see your axe.”
“Oh”, said Chippy, “You saw that” and produced an electric guitar.
The Business man coughed. “Enough of that!” he said. “I will not have unauthorised erections going up behind my back!”
Within seconds, Chippy had started up the motor of the chain saw and cut the mighty beanstalk down.
“You won’t just leave that lying there, will you?” asked Jack.
“It’s not a lion, it’s a log” replied Chippy. Okay, I’ll make something pretty.”
After Chippy had created the lovely little wooden display and had walked off with the business man, Lord Trencham walked up to Jack.
“Jack” he said “I have a mission for you. I have just discovered that The Emperor Penguin is in fact my long lost brother. If you go and find the fairy godmother, who I believe lives on the other side of the village and get my brother turned from a penguin back to my brother, I will not ask you for any more tax money for as long as either of us lives.”
“Agreed!” said Jack, adding, “But I’d probably have done it for three Bourbon biscuits.”
“What is it with these Bourbon biscuits?” asked Lord Trencham.
“No idea – they just seem to be a popular currency.”
Jack set off towards the village. Stan decided that he would come along too, as he had nothing better to do. On the way, they passed a skating rink. Little Jemma, who lived with Colin and Old Mother Hubbard, was getting her ice skating boots out from the bag. Stan noticed that she had three skating boots.
“Jemma” asked Stan “Why have you got three boots?”
“Well” Jemma replied “You see I’m in a competition to see who can skate the best. I’m not quite as good as Katy over there and don’t get quite as many points; my coach Mr Gillette suggested that I use the third blade – he said that three blades give a closer finish.”